The most wonderful...

time of the year my foot.

Since last I wrote, my nanny quit, we've done two programs at two schools on the same night (17 miles apart), and sent the Demie Diva to her dad for the first time since...oh...LAST Christmas break!

She is sooo excited for Christmas.  When the first presents appeared under the tree, she was beside herself.  Then, the next ones showed up.  In true Demie Diva fashion, she tried to convince me one morning that she slept 10 sleeps so that she could open her presents right now.  We've frosted cookies, hired a new nanny, and made it to break.

The Demie Diva didn't want to go visit her dad's family.  "I will be sad."  How do you argue with that, exactly?  You don't.  Validate, but remind that there is an uncle who adores her, and cousins who are soooo much fun and have...INSTRUMENTS.    My heart broke when I called last night.  They were still on the road, and she told me that she wanted to come home tomorrow.  The ache in her voice was palpable, and I didn't sleep last night.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm an introvert, and I need the break to recharge.  I am also a mother, first, last, and always...and this whole situation is royally messed up.  I know it hurts and confuses her that her dad doesn't have time for her.  She didn't tell her teachers about going with dad - she focused on the fact that we're going to the Tundra after Christmas.  The Demie Diva made two candles - and chose that they both be for me.  She has no attachment to her dad.  He has no attachment to her, but by God he'll put on a show of superparent.

Maybe that's why I've been radio silent.  I want to post about the Garden of Light, and its beautiful symbolism.  I want to post about what an amazing angel she was in the church Christmas program.  I want to post about Sandy Hook, and life in a state where the Senators are out and out against an assault weapons ban.  Most of all, I want to share some of the Demie Diva's adventures in being 5, because, to be honest, she's a delight.

Instead, my gut is knotted with worry.  Worry about the damage I'll have to undo.  Worry about the length of time we'll be dealing with overnights before soccer season rears its ugly head and some pointed commentary on my part comes out.  Worry that I won't get another referral from a school up north, and that I'll be away from my family forever and ever.

Doesn't do me any good to worry about that which I cannot control, but it does help me plan for contingencies.  

I didn't sign up for this part of the deal.